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There are some days when I really, really, really wish I were still writing Fake Steve, and friends, this is one of them. In case you haven’t heard, Bloomberg accidentally ran Steve Jobs’s obituary today, and then retracted it. Luckily, Gawker decided to humiliate Bloomberg by publishing the entire obit, including the list of people that Bloombots should call if/when Dear Leader actually does die, which I’m still not sure he ever will, because as far as I can recall from all that Greek and Latin I took in high school a man-god born of Zeus and mortal woman should be an immortal being, and furthermore, how would Apple PR handle it? I suppose for a while they could just stonewall by saying they weren’t here today to talk about Steve, they were here to talk about how excited everyone is about [FILL IN NAME OF NEW PRODUCT HERE] and maybe they could buy themselves a year or two during which the Apple faithful would continue to believe Steve was really alive despite having seen reports to the contrary on the news. But eventually people would start to notice that they hadn’t seen Steve around for a while, and they might even start to doubt Apple’s line about Steve missing Macworld because he was stuck in traffic. And then what happens? It makes me shiver to think about it. For this reason alone, this cannot happen. Steve Jobs cannot die.

Try telling that to the filthy hacks, however. Gawker goes out of its way to point out that “news organizations routinely prepare obituaries in advance,” but I still think Bloomberg’s gaffe is significant. Clearly they were refreshing Jobs’s obituary, and from this I would infer that perhaps their editors were, um, not so utterly convinced by Steve’s recent off-the-record conversation with Joe Nocera in the Times. Or maybe it was those very strong “Steve’s health is a personal issue. Steve’s health is a personal issue. Steve’s health is a personal issue” statements from Apple PR. Yeah. Those went a long way toward putting everyone at ease.

Guess what? Bloomberg ain’t the only ones who are getting antsy. Back when Steve appeared onstage looking like crap and the whole “Is he sick?” thing began, one of my fellow filthy hacks, a guy who works at a very top-drawer news organization, got the word from his editors back in New York to start writing the Jobs obit and make sure he had it banked and ready to go. I told him it was pointless because Steve was fine and this whole “thin” thing was an optical illusion. I even showed him the hundreds of emails and blog comments I’d received from readers who don’t know Steve and don’t even know anyone who knows anyone who knows Steve but who were nonetheless absolutely sure that Steve was fine and were just furious that the press was making such a big deal of it since the whole thing was so obviously a load of crap. Didn’t work. The hack still wrote the obit. Though, to his credit, he has so far managed not to publish it.

Great work, Bloomberg. You dopes.

Silicon Apartment speaks truth to power. See the full comic strip here.

Much love to the anonymous reader who spotted Woz at the Outside Lands Festival in San Francisco over the weekend — and quickly snapped a photo and sent it to me. Anyone know who the lady on the Segway might be?

See here. Microsoft plays evil practical joke on potential customers, then humiliates them with online video. Fantastic!

That’s what it says here, and even though it’s Fox News I’m still inclined to believe it, since it originally was reported by Reuters. Orange, the carrier for iPhone in Poland, is paying people to form lines outside stores and generate some hype. Woz apparently has leapt at the offer and is already on his way to Warsaw. Oh, and Karol Karol, the dude from the Kieslowski pictures (right) will be there. Hey, times are tough in the booming new Poland, and a gig’s a gig. Come to think of it, this whole thing sounds like a Kieslowski movie. In a time of unbridled capitalism, a fable about love and innocence: boy meets girl in the fake iPhone line in Warsaw, they fall in love, then learn, cruelly, that they’re actually brother and sister. They plot a joint suicide, but lack the courage to go through with their plan. She moves to Paris and becomes a famous actress. He moves to Krakow and opens a hair salon. Years later, unable to put aside her passion, his sister goes looking for him, and tracks him down in Krakow, but too late — he has married an eccentric waitress played by Audrey Tautou and started a family. They all go to the country and have a picnic.

See here. Another instant classic from Nitrozac and Snaggy. Meanwhile, in related news, a source very close to the Borg has double-dog sworn to me that they did not have anything to do with the leak of the Seinfeld deal to the Journal, and they really, really, really are not happy that this news got out. So apparently the leak came from the ad agency. Bit of advice to the Borg: If you really are trying to copy Apple’s marketing playbook, then ask yourself WWSJD (What Would Steve Jobs Do) — and the answer is, you cancel the deal with Seinfeld. Just out of spite. Or because it’s no longer a secret. Or because your ad agency guys are a bunch of traitorous bastards who can’t be trusted to keep a secret and will always put their own interests ahead of yours. Or something.

The Borg is hiring Jerry Seinfeld (shown at right, using Vista for first time) in a sad attempt to counter Apple’s “I’m a Mac” ads and win over young customers. That’s what the Journal is reporting today, citing “sources” close to the company. Well, it’s another brilliant move. Because Seinfeld is so hip — if by hip you mean “hip surgery.” Sure, the 50-something guys who run Microsoft think Seinfeld is waaaaay cool, and they’re all totally psyched to get to meet him and whatever. But think, people. Kids who are 18 today weren’t born when the Seinfeld show first aired in 1989. And they were only eight when the show went off the air. Geddit? They never watched it. They have no idea who Seinfeld is — except maybe they know him as that assclown in the bee costume in some flop movie that they didn’t see. Borg, come on. Seinfeld? Really? David Brenner wasn’t available? Or Jackie Mason? Don Rickles?

O Borg, I don’t know whether to laugh or cry. Laugh, I guess. But we won’t be laughing with you, if you know what I mean.

Two funny things about this morning’s story. One, it cites anonymous sources, who clearly were people inside Microsoft and/or Waggener Edstrom. But then the Journal goes out of its way to say that an official spokesperson at the Borg declined to comment. So prissy! Clearly this was a teed up story, for several reasons. One, do you really think anyone in the world, including reporters at the Journal, actually care enough about the Borg’s advertising plans to go chasing down sources for leaks? Second, there’s way too much info in the story. In other words, Borgbots wanted the story out and figured a leak to the Journal would generate more buzz than a simple press release.

Anyway, it’s classic Borg. We’re in trouble? Hire someone famous! Spend a shitload of money! This is Ballmer in full-blown Detroit mode (remember he grew up in the Motor City and his dad worked at Ford) trying to make the latest clunker seem cool by paying Dean Martin to drive one.

What the Borg doesn’t realize is that no matter how good an advertisement might be, it only resonates if there’s a grain of truth. Which is why the “I’m a Mac” ads worked. Also, no matter how great an ad might be, it can’t make people buy a bad product. It can’t make a bad product good. It’s advertising, not magic. (Note to Borg — maybe you should hire David Blaine? Or Criss Angel?)

Point is, Alpo could hire Jerry Seinfeld, but it couldn’t convince the world that it was selling caviar. But, um, good luck with that ad campaign, Microsoft. And keep working overtime on that Windows 7 product. Seriously.

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Florida surftard tries to kite-surf Tropical Storm Fay, falls slightly short of exceeds expectations.

You’ve probably read reports about some kind of fire at the Apple campus. In the finance department. Hmmm. Well I’m happy to say I’ve just received a phone call from an Apple spokesbot who told me, off the record, that in fact those reports were incorrect. “There was no fire,” the person said. I said, But what about the firefighters? The fire trucks? The smoke pouring out of the building? The footage we saw on TV? “There was no fire,” the spokesbot repeated. I asked how it could be that there was smoke, and firetrucks, if there was no fire. Answer: “There was no fire.” Well, anyway, I’m relieved to know that everything is fine.