See here. Another instant classic from Nitrozac and Snaggy. Meanwhile, in related news, a source very close to the Borg has double-dog sworn to me that they did not have anything to do with the leak of the Seinfeld deal to the Journal, and they really, really, really are not happy that this news got out. So apparently the leak came from the ad agency. Bit of advice to the Borg: If you really are trying to copy Apple’s marketing playbook, then ask yourself WWSJD (What Would Steve Jobs Do) — and the answer is, you cancel the deal with Seinfeld. Just out of spite. Or because it’s no longer a secret. Or because your ad agency guys are a bunch of traitorous bastards who can’t be trusted to keep a secret and will always put their own interests ahead of yours. Or something.

The Borg is hiring Jerry Seinfeld (shown at right, using Vista for first time) in a sad attempt to counter Apple’s “I’m a Mac” ads and win over young customers. That’s what the Journal is reporting today, citing “sources” close to the company. Well, it’s another brilliant move. Because Seinfeld is so hip — if by hip you mean “hip surgery.” Sure, the 50-something guys who run Microsoft think Seinfeld is waaaaay cool, and they’re all totally psyched to get to meet him and whatever. But think, people. Kids who are 18 today weren’t born when the Seinfeld show first aired in 1989. And they were only eight when the show went off the air. Geddit? They never watched it. They have no idea who Seinfeld is — except maybe they know him as that assclown in the bee costume in some flop movie that they didn’t see. Borg, come on. Seinfeld? Really? David Brenner wasn’t available? Or Jackie Mason? Don Rickles?

O Borg, I don’t know whether to laugh or cry. Laugh, I guess. But we won’t be laughing with you, if you know what I mean.

Two funny things about this morning’s story. One, it cites anonymous sources, who clearly were people inside Microsoft and/or Waggener Edstrom. But then the Journal goes out of its way to say that an official spokesperson at the Borg declined to comment. So prissy! Clearly this was a teed up story, for several reasons. One, do you really think anyone in the world, including reporters at the Journal, actually care enough about the Borg’s advertising plans to go chasing down sources for leaks? Second, there’s way too much info in the story. In other words, Borgbots wanted the story out and figured a leak to the Journal would generate more buzz than a simple press release.

Anyway, it’s classic Borg. We’re in trouble? Hire someone famous! Spend a shitload of money! This is Ballmer in full-blown Detroit mode (remember he grew up in the Motor City and his dad worked at Ford) trying to make the latest clunker seem cool by paying Dean Martin to drive one.

What the Borg doesn’t realize is that no matter how good an advertisement might be, it only resonates if there’s a grain of truth. Which is why the “I’m a Mac” ads worked. Also, no matter how great an ad might be, it can’t make people buy a bad product. It can’t make a bad product good. It’s advertising, not magic. (Note to Borg — maybe you should hire David Blaine? Or Criss Angel?)

Point is, Alpo could hire Jerry Seinfeld, but it couldn’t convince the world that it was selling caviar. But, um, good luck with that ad campaign, Microsoft. And keep working overtime on that Windows 7 product. Seriously.

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Florida surftard tries to kite-surf Tropical Storm Fay, falls slightly short of exceeds expectations.

You’ve probably read reports about some kind of fire at the Apple campus. In the finance department. Hmmm. Well I’m happy to say I’ve just received a phone call from an Apple spokesbot who told me, off the record, that in fact those reports were incorrect. “There was no fire,” the person said. I said, But what about the firefighters? The fire trucks? The smoke pouring out of the building? The footage we saw on TV? “There was no fire,” the spokesbot repeated. I asked how it could be that there was smoke, and firetrucks, if there was no fire. Answer: “There was no fire.” Well, anyway, I’m relieved to know that everything is fine.

Apologies for the hiatus and much love to all who wrote in asking me where I was and what the hell I thought I was doing taking time off. Seriously, I felt the love. Anyway, I’ve been skiing in Chile for the past few weeks and mostly out of reach of the Interwebs but the highlight of my trip was the frantic (and I mean frantic) emails from Valleywag trying to find out if this story about me doing standup comedy in San Francisco was true. It’s not. I would never have the guts to do standup. And I’ve been nowhere near San Francisco for months. I don’t know where iPhone Savior got this photo of me (above) but it’s a good one, I must admit, and I may use it as my official author photo at Newsweek when I start there in September. Even more amazing to me was that I came back to find out that nothing at all of any significance has happened in the world of tech since I checked out. Amazing. Okay, there’s the big story about Apple now having a bigger market cap than Google. And the stories about Apple wiping out iPhone apps without explanation. Have not yet seen the story that says Apple today has become what Microsoft was ten years ago — the 800-pound gorilla that everyone else, especially startups, must either appease or avoid. Way back in 1997 I did a story for the New York Times mag about a little company called Firefly. Money quote up top was this gem from Firefly’s founder and head of technology:

“The reality of the software business today is that if you find something that can make you ridiculously rich, then that’s something Microsoft is going to want to take from you,” Metral says. “All we can do is meet with them and try to see what they’re going to do to us when they feel like doing it. If they want to kill you, they’ll kill you.”

Sound familiar? Is it a huge stretch to imagine a world in which Apple, which controls the platform and owns the store, plays the same role?

FWIW, not long after my article ran, Microsoft bought Firefly. And later shut them down.

Just picked up the phone here at the DanCave and it was Michael Dell. He goes, “This is Michael Dell. You think I’m the uninspiring leader of a has-been PC company that’s never created a single original product in its entire 24-year-history, and I think you’re a pus-filled fistula on the ass-crack of humanity. Got a minute to catch up?” Michael Dell went on to tell me that he has lost a great deal of weight lately and he was wondering if anyone had started any rumors about it and if so maybe I would like him to address those rumors in an entirely off-the-record conversation. I told him thanks but no thanks, because as far as I know nobody is wondering about his weight loss. He’s like, Really? Because it’s kind of a lot of weight. I mean it’s pretty significant. I could tell you how it happened but we’d have to be off the record. I said, You know, Michael, I appreciate the offer, but it’s okay, really. He goes, So you’re not going to write about it? You’re not going to be speculating on what happened to me and why I look so gaunt? Because what happened is, I cut out a lot of carbs and I got a Bowflex. And I’m just hearing that people around the company here have been talking about how much I’ve changed and there’s been some speculation that maybe I’m sick when in fact I’m totally in the best shape of my life and have a lower body-fat percentage than when I was in high school. I’m wearing 32-inch waist jeans, and they’re loose! It’s amazing! So I said, Well, why don’t you put out a statement to the employees letting them know that? He goes, Oh, I don’t know, man, I don’t think I could do that, because it’s so private, you know? And I totally resent that people keep wondering about it because it’s like a really private matter and I’m really a totally private person who hates the idea of being in the public eye, which is why I started a big personal computer company and sold shares to the public and remained its chief executive even as its sales grew into the billions of dollars. See? That’s why I’d much rather leak this information off the record to you and then have you write something so that everyone will stop speculating about it but I won’t have to actually say anything in public about it and violate my own rules about privacy. I said, again, that I’d probably take a pass on this one because as far as I know nobody was even wondering about his health.

He goes, Well how about our new MP3 player then? We non-announced that product off the record to the Journal the other day but I could non-discuss it with you off the record too and maybe give you something we didn’t give them, like the name of the product or maybe just a few hints that would enable you to make an educated guess about the name, just as long as you agree to sign an NDA and abide by a very strict set of rules, chief among them being that you’ll promise to write down everything we say and use it in a story but not breathe a word about where you got your information. I said, You know, I think I’ll pass on that one too, honestly, nothing personal but I just don’t think anyone really cares about whether you guys make another MP3 player. He goes, Okay then, fuckwad, well don’t call me up all crying and whining when I give this exclusive non-interview to Nocera instead and he totally scoops you with the non-name of the non-product that we’ve non-announced. You got me, punk?

I said, Loud and clear, Michael Dell. Congrats on the low body fat. And good luck with that non-announced MP3 player. I’m sure it’s going to non-rock. Seriously. I mean it.

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If you’ve ever tried to give over-the-phone tech support to a parent, you’ll appreciate this. My version of this video would involve my dad calling up to tell me his POS Windows machine “can’t open that photo you sent me,” and me begging my dad, over and over and over again, to just please go out and buy a goddamn Mac already. Aaaaaargh!

See the CNET story about it here. They’re calling it Pensieve and it’s aimed at oldsters. I wonder what made them think of this.