No kidding. I’m working at home today and the home phone just rang and it was Tay Zonday, the Chocolate Rain guy, whose voice totally sounds exactly like it does on that video. He goes, “This is Tay Zonday. You think I’m a one-hit wonder with some kind of gland problem, and I think you’re a demented hack who needs to get his nuts cut out. Could you spare a few minutes to talk to me?” Tay went on to say that he was a big fan of Fake Steve and wanted to offer some advice about how to manage my career, but he would only do it off the record. I said fine, what the hell. Now I can’t tell you what Tay said but I can tell you that nothing I heard on this call in any way contradicted the advice given to me by others who have said that since Steve insists he isn’t sick that I should just go back to kicking him in the nuts satirizing him. Also, a person with intimate knowledge of Tay Zonday’s career has pointed out to me that Tay’s advice could be invaluable since Tay has managed to get on Carson Daly, Jon Stewart and Jimmy Kimmel, and he’s also done an ad for Dr. Pepper. Also, I’ve been advised by a source who’s very familiar with Tay Zonday that if and when I do get onto any radio or television shows, I should move away from the mic to breathe.

Now it appears Portfolio.com is resorting to Onion-style satire, as with the above video where they interview Donald Trump’s developmentally disabled hellspawn and use it in a segment called “Moments of Brilliance.” Man, the power of the Conde Nast brand really draws the A-list business celebrities, doesn’t it? Who’s next to share a “moment of brilliance”? Ed Zander? MC Hammer? Yeah. Great job cracking that lucrative business magazine space, Conde Nast. You cats are on fire. No seriously. I mean it.

Woz apparently got himself into the front row at a taping of “Price is Right.” Sad stuff. Much love to William for passing along a link to the original version on Macenstein.

Plus look at the ridiculous shit happening in the rest of the Valley. Sarah Lacy has hired a personal assistant. Sweet holy Jesus. What’s next? A personal chef? Anyway, I cannot imagine what kind of person would sign up to be Sarah Lacy’s Personal Assistant (SLPA). All I know is that, SLPA, whoever you are, you must start blogging. Now. For some reason I imagine SLPA is a woman — probably artsy, just out of Oberlin and moved to the Valley with a degree in creative writing and a bad dose of low self-esteem. SLPA, whoever you are, if you don’t want to keep a blog, then please get in touch with us and we’ll do it for you. Okay? I promise not to edit or embellish too much. Well, maybe a little. Also, Sarah Lacy, if you need a cabana boy, I’m available.

Meanwhile, for a glimpse into the future of Sarah Lacy’s life, see this:

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WSamR_8rqL4&hl=en&fs=1]

What else. Sheryl Sandberg has started thoroughly fucking things up at Facebook, cloning third-party programs and putting little guys out of business, thus poisoning the ecosystem. Sandberg’s bet must be that Facebook now has enough momentum and clout that it can afford to fuck its partners. How … Borgian. And how wrong-headed. The fact is, Facebook has nuked the fridge. They’ve jumped the shark. Good thing is this is happening just as all the big talent from Google has started flowing in thinking they’re going to get rich all over again. Better yet, the Google big brains are the ones destroying the meal ticket. See, the real truth is that none of these big brains at Google were ever really the brilliant strategists that everyone (including themselves) liked to think. Yes, Sheryl Sandberg is smart. Way smarter than I am, that’s for sure. But she and the others who got in early at Google were really more lucky than smart. The good news is that Facebook now affords these folks a chance to demonstrate this fact to the entire world. Delicious.

Oh, and Apple. MobileMe, aka “Exchange for the rest of us,” turns out to be exactly that — fucked up, not-working, slow, dismal. Yes, just like Exchange. Then they have to fall back and admit that it’s not really “push” and so, for that sin, they’re giving us all an extra month, at no cost! That plus the frigtarded 3G iPhone rollout made for some stuff that had me drooling to put on the fake mock turtleneck, fire up a bong and get writing. But I couldn’t. Ugh! Anyway, great work, Apple! Steve Jobs stops paying attention for a couple weeks and suddenly the whole place goes into the shitter. If you’ve ever wondered what Apple will be like after Steve leaves and they’ve got visionaries like Phil Schiller and Tim Cook running the place, well, now you’ve seen the trailer. The movie will be worse.